The End

What If You Can't Leave

The Fiance behind. Or more so you can't find a way to avoid them or they you. The fall out from my decision in August seems to hit me upside the head every so often, of course when I least expect it. As was the case last week when I found myself dealing with a situation and saying out loud as I typed the 3 email back in a period of hours - "Goodness we've so been through this." But then maybe that's just me - when it's come to men in my life including S, I deal with it and then move on - are the assphats or whatever you want to call them free of their misdeeds? Oh of course not, get a few martini's in me on a sentimental evening and all their faults will be laid bare. But you will be hard pressed to ever hear or read me blog directly at someone's issues or faults or so on - so I expect the same.

S is and still continues to be a nice guy who did yes get the short end of the stick when the woman he loved pulled the rug out from under him (as he sees it) and walked away in the hopes of developing a relationship with herself. You, we, I can or have called this complete bullshite - but speaking now from experience it's the best reason to, and even it your reason is as you are unsure, not ready, not something - then for goodness sake say No. There is a point where we have to be selfish enough to know in the end that selfish act can save us.

So to the point I currently am unwelcome in the areas that my ex currently or previously has lived in and the sharing of our friends has been come a significant sore spot. So unfortunately I need to find somewhere else warm to unthaw and take a running break. Maybe in time he'll leave my ghost behind and we'll have resolved this matter.

So I realize the song seems odd given everything said thus far and ever will be said, but given what those emails informed me of, it's closer to the truth then I think I want to know.

Music

Tuesday was an insightful day for me. It was the first day when a very wedding related moment arose and it made me smile and of course take a deep sigh, but smile. No wailing or some related emotion, a smile. That moment was the singing of Come Thou Fount. I know, a hymn? That hymn - the version below - was going to be the "Wedding March." Honestly I love the hymn, there is an amazing beauty and honesty to it and well S gave me a lot of what I wanted so, it was on the agenda.

I can't say that I know why I chose it or why it even made me smile, but maybe it was just that the song remained the same, the song was still beautiful, the message was still the same, the same truth. The truth of the one I should/do/want to love more then my future someone and the bizarre true that I struggle in my faithfulness to him, and yet it's the greatest love story of all - even though I am much like Gomer.

All while standing there singing it, I was reminded of a comment Jocelyn had posted about the colours, about the need to leave it all behind. My need to leave it behind, many of the factors behind, is due to the emotions interlaced with so many of the decisions, so many decisions where our decisions. They are decisions I don't want to make with someone else - in that I don't ever want to hear out of my mouth, but S and I thought this would look good instead, and I side with him... it may sound ridiculous but we all say crazy things, especially brides if my short stint as one is any testimony to that.

One thing that will not be left behind is my love for this song, as such this is one thing that will not be left behind.

Photo

The Dress

I debated about this post. I mean in the sense that I never purchased it, thank goodness, but well who knows maybe I'll want it again someday. Given it's never been purchased or even tried on, but you know I don't think it would work. It don't think the dress you would have bought for your previous wedding falls into the something new, something borrowed, etc category. So here it is, what it would have been and here's to the who knows what it could be if it is to be.

Note: I would have bought used or a knockoff because though I heart the designer - it's not worth the price.

Website

Me

I left me behind. I left the old me, the one that was false, broken, out of life and not born out of the essence of me. That's the only way I can sum it up. So old self, here's your new self.

Photos courtesy of Leah Tan

Colours

Navy and Fuchsia were the colors. Let me tell you as much as I would wear navy for the rest of my life if I could it is one of the most horrible colors to deal with. Navy like black comes in a plethora of shades. I bought S's suit unseen and I don't even know if I've even ever seen it. So I'm thankful that I can eliminate navy, though horribly practical as it's almost unseasonal as a color selection it's a pain in the a$$ to find shoes for and match with other navy's. Pink on the other hand, I honestly don't know if I can do that. I once was so intent that I would find another color, see the problem is the other color I would chose would be navy. And well I'm not going to do that - it could be done, but I would end up with a re-visioned bridal party and honestly I don't want any carry over. I know that sounds like I harbor some deep seeded resentment. Rather it's more of a profound realization that I don't know who that person was (referring to me) and I would prefer to distance myself from this unknown, life altering entity who had no framework in reality.
Losing pink is such a pity though, it's one of the most prolific flower colors - and when you are planning a budgeted, seasonal wedding and you've also got a serious heart on for peonies, pink has kind of got to factor in somewhere. I also realize that peonies are one of the most overdone wedding flower, but well I don't care. They are the bride personified - delicate, soft, radiant, mildly fragrant and well darn expensive and really only look like they do for a moment in time.

So here I am in a place where I don't have to make a decision about colors feeling like I do have to make a decision about colors, like it somehow determines how the future goes together. So given that issues I have two options I can as one of my yoga instructors says, I can just hold that area of difficulty and not rushingly press into it, or I can just say the hell with it, not like anyone is going to hold me to my profound love for pink flowers, even though they make me sad right now. Given all that I pass the decision on to Martha who declared this summer that grey and pink are a "Good Thing."

On another future note, a little homage to S - you were the best thing for that moment in time, and to the possible future life partner, I sure hope I can say this about you.

The Shoes

I couldn't help but laugh when I saw them. I have been looking online all morning for some more diversity for my work wardrobe - a new pair of black dress pants - suitable for the Christmas party and yet useable afterwards, and a few layering tops. While on JCrew's website, I found the shoes. The shoes I had pulled my hair out trying to find to go with the "Crisp Beet" coloured dresses. I realize this blog is a bit of an inversion, considering I had planned to blog about the colour scheme and the dresses before the shoes. But then again shoes may just be the most important thing. Here they are - navy, satin, peep toe pumps. Well I guess if any of my bridesmaids need shoes now to go with their gifted dresses I know where to send them.